ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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