you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
