You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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