I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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