Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
