why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
