i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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