david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His hands were made for my vagina.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
