I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
