I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
