Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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