You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
