My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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