Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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