11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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