I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
