Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
