I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
