I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
