mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
