you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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