rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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