There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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