I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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