hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
