take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
