I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
