And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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