as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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