Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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