a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You have to summon your inner elephant
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
