doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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