just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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