just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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