shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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