There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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