I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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