once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
