She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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