I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
