I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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