the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
