i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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