you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
there is glitter all over my balls
Nobody cheats on THIS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
