remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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