So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
