Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
