omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
