This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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