I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
