I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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