Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
